It Began on May 1998

This is the start of re-posting my previous writings. Some friends suggested this for quite some time, but I felt slightly timid, if not embarrassed, to do it. However, after realizing that some of my online writings no longer exist and that I no longer can find them in my personal files/folders, I came to regret not having to do this earlier. My only hope is that these writings can be helpful and/or generate further debates on things that we care the most. Nostalgia is probably my other motive... Some of these writings reflect moments that shape who I am today.

This is the first one.

My first 'writing' on public media; My first "published" piece.
It's no scholarly piece at all, really. Nowhere near that.

It was RAGE - a raw rage and delirious demand to be heard by the people where ever they were.

My house in Pos Pengumben Jakarta was attacked on that dreadful May 1998, during which two of the most staggering events changed my life (the Anti-Chinese riot and the milestone of REFORMASI) occurred. That event (or perhaps the hot spit of that vindictive boy-stranger) burnt my rage right there and then; Little that I knew then and there, like a traditional practice of 'berladang', where you burn the field to plant new seeds that will later flourish, my burning rage opened my heart for a new understanding of 'becoming Indonesia' [Menjadi Indonesia]. In no way I'm justifying the tragedy and cruelty of May 1998 (towards Chinese Indonesians or other marginalized communities) as anacceptable 'tipping point', and if I could, I wish I could 'become Indonesia' is a less traumatic way... Nevertheless, it was a 'tipping point' for me...

I was reading ASIAWEEK - an awesome media in my time - and got utterly pissed by a reader's comment written by this person (Iwan D. Diran). Fingers immediately danced on keyboards and in a few minutes my respond was sent to ASIAWEEK. Voila, it was published.

My first "published” piece. Dang.

The impact to me was quite unexpected. I felt acknowledged and appreciated. I guess that was when I have a better appreciation on the impacts of writings on public media.

This is nostalgia. I hope you would forgive my selfishness.
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ASIAWEEK, Week of June 19, 1998 - Letters & Comment

WHEN PEOPLE ASKED ME my nationality, I used to confidently and proudly answer, "Indonesian." That's before the mobs attacked my house and told us, "Chinese dogs, crawl back to China." That's before they hit my sister and aunt. That's before I saw singed buildings and broken windows and buildings daubed "Belongs to Pribumis" or "Belongs to Muslims." That's before I read in local newspapers about rape victims, who were mostly young Chinese women (even a 12 year old). The words pribumi (native) and keturunan (non-native) used to sound ridiculous to me. I have no problems socializing with pribumi friends. I often hang out with them. Some of my cousins are married to pribumis.

Bottom line, I used to feel confident about my Indonesian nationality until that awful night on May 14. A fast change of mind? Tell me how you would feel, if people, their eyes filled with hatred, shouted "Cina anjing, Cina bangsat, Cina babi" [China dogs, China lice, China pigs] in your face and spat on you? Or how would you feel if their hands were all over you, harassing you?

"Don't be a half-hearted Indonesian," wrote Iwan D. Diran addressing "Yenni Kwok and others" [LETTERS & COMMENT, June 12]. I sincerely hope he meant all Indonesians, native or non-native. Tell me, Mr. Diran, how much more do we have to do?

I'm not trying to put all the blame on the pribumis. It was my pribumi neighbors who saved us and have protected our house up until now. My pribumi friends are very supportive.

I have to admit that some Chinese can be oh-so-repulsive when it comes to racism. I'm just so fed up, reading remarks about how Chinese should mingle and "how low can you go," as if all the Chinese never mingle or feel proud of Indonesia, their country.

I've never felt so terrified and outraged. Horrified by the ordeal and unsure about the future of Chinese-Indonesians. Furious about the lack of consideration from some Indonesians, governments, and the international community. Is sufficient help being given to the rape victims? None of us deserves to be treated like that. But does anyone care?

Christine Susanna

via the Internet